Having a place of your own is one of the greatest things any young man can have. You can walk around the house commando, put your feet on the coffee table or leave the toilet seat up without anyone raising a ruckus.
However, there is a downside to having a bachelor’s pad. You see, most young men have been accused of being irresponsible creatures who know nothing about domestic matters. Therefore, when a typical lady visits a brother’s place and finds it tastefully furnished and well maintained, she plots a coup d’etat.
It all begins with her leaving a panty in the bathroom, next is a toothbrush and a pair of shoes. Before your realize it, three-quarters of your wardrobe is full of her stuff. You will be forced to factor her in all your plans.
Asking a woman to give you some space is a potentially explosive situation, particularly if you’ve chips fungad her a few times..
Now that you are a grown up, you can no longer use the famous lame excuse “you need to leave, my folks are coming over”. The following are six ways to kick out a lady guest who has overstayed her welcome:
Pull the plug
This works if you have a young and cool caretaker like I do. Brief him on your situation, and then rope him into the plan.
At 6am the next morning, have him violently bang your door while hurling all kind of expletives: “Wewe Maish ebu fungua mlango! Kazi yako nikuleta wasichana hapa kila siku na hata haujalipa rent mieizi mbili…si juzi ulikuwa na nani leo ni mwingine! Utapata ukimwi wewe!”
To make it believable, let him in so that he can go grab strategically placed -and unbreakable- items near the door and hurl them outside like he is kicking you out.
This is bound to draw unwarranted attention from your neighbours. Thank heavens ladies are allergic to unnecessary drama and broke men. She will find a way of slipping away to avoid embarrassment and probably never ever pick any of your calls again.
Jehova Wanyonyi style
For the non-Kenyans, Jehova Wanyonyi was a self-proclaimed god based in the Rift Valley. At one time, he reportedly threatened to punish the whole nation if he was not given Ksh3 billion shillings. That’s right, 9 zeroes! That’s like USD30 million, right?
Set the stage for a serious heart-to-heart discussion. Tell her you’ve made an important life decision, and you’d like to share the good news with her. Give her a seat, hold her hand and look solemnly into her eyes. Now claim to be Wanyonyi’s ardent follower.
Tell her your lord, Jehova Wanyonyi, came to you in a dream and he confirmed that he is still alive-despite rumours in the media claiming that he died. Tell her that that, in the dream, Wanyonyi told you where he is to be found. Explain to her that you are planning a trip out of town to look for him.
Then, holding her hands, ask her to join you on this spiritual odyssey. Tell her you’re willing to sell everything in search of this spiritual truth.
Is Jehova Wanyonyi too crazy for you? Try some occultism. Google illuminati and Wicca. Get those freakish signs pinned up in your house. Get a fake goats head tattoo on your arm. Talk about spiritual mediums and the underworld .
Without a doubt, that chick will right you off as a nutcase. And she’ll want to abandon your delusional behind.
Initiate a heart-to-heart conversation and steer it in such a way that she reveals to you her greatest fears. Thank God if she is scared of snakes or lizards since they are easily available.
Every guy ought to have a fixer, if you don’t have one, just drop me an email and will connect you with Jaymo. All you need is to give Jaymo a thousand bob and he’ll hook you up with all sorts of scary creatures.
Then liaise with Jaymo so that he delivers the package to your place before your unwanted guest arrives. When you get back that evening, let her be the first one into your apartment. The strategically placed creature will be the first thing that greets her when she gets into your living room.
As she begins to freak out, let her know that you’re looking after your Mzungu friend’s pet lizard while he travels to the coast for a few weeks. Give her some sob story about how you owed the guy a favour and this was the only thing he asked for.
In a totally chilled out way, explain to her that the lizard is quite friendly towards people. Explain to her that it hates being confined in the terrarium, so you’ll take it out for a but. Try to get her to touch it. Tell her how you’re enjoying having a reptilian pet and that you are even considering getting one of your own.
If your chipo is the average Kenyan chick, she’ll be out of your door in a matter of minutes.
Split the bills
Even with all gender equality talk, most women still believe a man should foot all bills. If she happens to subscribe to this belief, then it is your lucky day. Have her sit down and tell her how happy you are to have her in your life. Explain that its time take things a notch higher even though you met less than a week before.
Claim to have mad respect for women and say that you believe she is an equal partner in your relationship. Because of this, tell her that you would like to share some bills with her.
Show her a list elaborating how you will split the bills. She will be responsible for buying food, you the drinks. Tell her you can save money if she moves into your house, because you can split the rent. But since she’ll be using your swabky furniture, she can pay a little bit more.
Tell her you’re not into the old-school relationship dynamics where the man is the provider. You want a woman who holds her own-one who is not afraid to spoil her man senseless. Heck, who said men can’t be maintained by their women?
That chick will think you are a gold-digging leech and she’ll be out of your apartment in no time.
But be warned, there’s a crop of women who don’t mind such an arrangement. If this doesn’t work, try one of the other ones below.
This is my favorite. Stare at her for a protracted period of time without blinking until she asks what’s on your mind.
“I have enjoyed every minute spent with you this with weekend and I want to ensure this doesn’t end ever,” you tell her.
She will probably go like: “Awww, that’s sweet of you.”
Proceed by somberly saying: “I’ve after carefully thinking, come to a conclusion that the only way I can ensure this happens is by killing you and me. How beautiful will it be if we die in each other’s arms? You know, like The Notebook…only that we will die young and strong, not old and wrinkly.”
You can sell it better if you ingest a couple of multi-coloured tablets (normal vitamin supplements can work) while she watches. Smile and say something like: “The doctor prescribed this for my condition. They help me think better.”
If she doesn’t buy this, wake in the middle of the night and shake her awake. Ask her if she’s seeing the sprits hovering about the room. Switch gears and start talking to the spirits telling them to take the two of you together. Tell the spirits you will not leave without her. Scream if you must. Guaranteed she will definitely leave the next morning!
Unfortunately not all men have the courage to go through with the above ways. If you are such a guy, then this will work for you.
Imagine that her top is an invisible coat so you can neither see nor hear a word she says. Believe me; nothing pisses women off like blatantly ignoring them.
The other option would to be to invite your most uncouth friends to watch a game or go out to a bar till late in the night, ignoring all her calls and texts. This will send a clear message she is unwanted.
If none of these ways work out for you then you have a bigger problem than you thought. Come out clean about your unsuccessful attempts to kick her out of your home or just change your locks.
Have you ever had a guest who overstayed their welcome? How did you kick them out?