We feel very nostalgic of the days it was possible to buy Tropical Mint without being suspected of promiscuity. Right now, all thanks to Kilimani Mums and Dads and their undying shenanigans, when you buy Tropical Mint you are treated to the same stigma that is accorded teenagers buying condoms.
For innocent people like me who just want to use Tropical Mint for the purpose they are intended, that is, suck the life out of them (don’t think I didn’t see that pun), Kenya is becoming an increasingly unbearable country to live in.
I don’t know what makes people think it is okay to share the gory details of their bedroom exploits with others. This TMI spirit caught up with a few Facebook users who went on to discuss in great, disturbing detail how Tropical Mint is one of the best aphrodisiacs in town today.
Suddenly, the regular, bluish candy wrapped in transparent paper has gained celebrity status, and the roadside vendors almost want to ask you to show your Identity Card before you buy it. I have a fleeting feeling that the sweets’ prices will skyrocket, due to demand. Two sweets go for Ksh5 currently, but some ambitious and unscrupulous traders might just hoard the commodity and have us buy each at Ksh10. We might even be required to queue for it, and be told that we can only buy a maximum of four. For this reason, we bona fide Tropical Mint lovers live in fear.
However, the sweets are not alone in this predicament, Strepsils lozenges and popular deodorant Rexona has also been dragged into this mess.
Persecution of the morally upright
I speak for the small, almost extinct population of morally upright Kenyan ladies who still want to buy the sweets for the simple reason that they are sweet. We have been subjected to utmost persecution these past days. It is impossible to ignore the dirty looks that come our way when we ask shopkeepers to sell us Tropical Mint. Even street vendors who had been serving us enthusiastically drag their feet when we ask for the sweets. They must be imagining the kind of things we are going to do with the sweets and it is more than just depressing.
Guide to sourcing sweets sans raising eyebrows
In light of the abject suffering that we have been made to go through, I have developed a guide on how to best buy the sweets without earning the disapproval of almost everyone while at it.
Buy the sweets in the morning
You see those people who sell Tropical Mint in buses, this is when to best buy it. Surely if you buy sweets in the morning there is no way you can keep them the whole day for some night action right? I can confidently say that people who buy Tropical Mint in the evening are the ones who have landed us in this mess, because really, what could you possibly be doing with sweets in the evening besides following Kilimani Mums / Dads prescription?
Start eating sweets immediately you buy them…
….so that dirty-minded people may know they are for eating, and not for other untoward purposes.
Buy them in bulk
Tough times call for tough measures, folks. One has to be prepared for the winter
Ask your male friends to buy them for you
Because for some reason they are above reproach.
Let the prudes be
Sometimes you just have to let the prudes have their way. If just by buying simple sweets someone is going to draw untoward conclusions about you and put you on the same pedestal as Jezebel, it is them who have allowed their minds to be annexed by the devil. Buy your Tropical Mint and go your way.